Sunday, July 12, 2009


Hi readers! I am a bad blogger, as you all know. I blog only slightly more often than David, and, more often than not, I avoid Bhouse-specific antics and tend to write about whatever the fuck I want. So I'll keep it up! At least until people start throwing things at me.

I just spent a week in Texas! San Antonio is a wonderful place, where the temperature is always above 100, no significant rain has fallen since about 1996, and an army of deer have taken to hatching anti-human revolutionary plots in my front yard (but the fawns are so cute!). (One of these facts is true, guess which one!) I won't relate too much about San Antonio, except to mention an already-blogged-about-in-the-'09-blog delightful visit from Rita! (I have no pictures for you, because she took all the pictures since I always forget to bring my camera everywhere.) I may have dragged her around downtown San Antonio until she nearly got heatstroke. That makes me a bad person, I think? And the world should also know about the extraction of my wisdom teeth! That's right, there's a faux-Greco-Roman temple somewhere that can get new columns on the cheap, because these dental colossi can act as load-bearing pillars certifiable to between two and three metric tonnes. A hippopotamus somewhere with horrible oral hygiene can breathe a sigh of relief, for he can easily spruce up his decaying grill with gargantuan molars. What I'm saying is that I've already stolen four of the rocks from Stonehenge, and replaced them with my teeth; nobody'll ever notice the difference.

The corollary to this fact (the fact that my wisdom teeth were actually small planetoids in disguise) is that there is a staggering amount of empty space in my skull at the moment. You know how greasy, unlikeable men with scraggly beards sometimes store food for later in their facial hair? I could store a fourteen-course banquet in these. I'm half-expecting to bump into a confused hobbit on the street, trying to destroy his Ring of Power in one of the yawning abysses at the back of my jaw. I'm fortunate I got these removed in July, because if I'd done it in the fall I'd have to worry about bears taking up residence for winter hibernation (and I don't think grizzlies appreciate being flossed). One particularly insightful person even went so far as to compare the gaping holes to the Sarlacc, the immense spiny maw that Jabba tries to drop the heroes into in Return of the Jedi. Except just as the Sarlacc was defeated by Luke's Force powers, so too were my sockets defeated by the sprinkles on a donut, standing in as hapless Jedi prey.


  1. I'm so happy that even without me there, a Sarlacc reference made it into the blog.