Monday, June 15, 2009

A squirrel walks up to a tree...

BHouse goes to Up. A play. Most of this happened.
Scene 1 (BHouse, 10:58am).
Aditya drinks two raw eggs, mumbling something about robots. Katie washes dishes, as she should. Oh wait, AJ is here! Katie whips AJ with barbed wire. Jae stares dreamily at his driver’s license photo. Ben stares at the broken router, checking his e-mail with his mind.
Alan: “Something is rotten in BHouse! Ah, that’s because Joe hasn’t gotten out of the shower and we were supposed to leave two minutes ago.”
Joe (from the shower): “Slanders! Perhaps my massive awesomeness is causing gravitational time dilation, but it’s clearly 10:58am. I will be ready at 11!”
David Katzman: “Joe, you seemed to be so down for Up...”
Universal groans. Joe exits the shower at 11:03am
Scene 2 (290 State Street, 11:07am)
David: “Here’s your garage, Joe. We’ll save some seats for you at the movie, because we’ll arrive on time.” David smiles characteristically, winks, and drives off.
Joe (oblivious): “Thanks!”
Joe walks towards the garage, notices the unexpectedly locked gate, lets off a minute long tirade of expletives.
Homeless man: “Why don’t you just jog around the block and find a nice family to let you in the back door?”
Joe: “Great idea, Mr. Disadvantaged! Sometimes going in the back door is a great idea!”
Joe sprints around the block, ambushes a family.
Joe: “Citizen! Do you have access to the parking garage?”
Frazzled mother: “Access? Yeah, we be goin’ to the parking garage…”
Joe picks up the car and zooms off, running over the homeless man as he exits the garage.
Scene 3 (BHouse, 11:17am)
Joe squeals into BHouse parking, his flashy 4-way flashers flashing. Alan’s in the front, Katie, AJ, and Aditya are in the back.
Joe: “Seatbelt up.”
The Awesomemobile peels off, heading down Elm. Closer to I-91, a cyclist flips off a cop. Gunshots.
Awesomemobile is speechless. Dead cat does not approve. Joe careens madly onto the highway.
Joe (going >80, out of control): “Hey, let’s play the guess how fast I’m going game…”
Aditya ejects.
AJ: “Joe! ARE YOU ON CRACK? That car is actually going the speed limit!”
Joe freaks out, eventually calming down.
Joe: “Don’t worry, it’s not road rage until I pull out the 9mm in the glove compartment.”
Screaming in the back seat. Grins in the front. Alan checks the glove compartment, slamming it shut quickly. One grin remains.
Alan: “Look, a shopping center, we must be getting close.”
Joe: “OOH! Capitalism!”
Scene 4 (Movie Theater, 11:18am)
Joe: “Hey! We’re on time!”
Katie, AJ, and Alan run screaming out of the car. Aditya’s escape capsule lands in the lawn. Joe screams something obscene, provoking weird looks from a nearby family. Joe parks and jogs into the theater. The movie begins as our heroes take their seats.
Doug (the dog): “So, a squirrel walks up to a tree. He says, ‘I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead.’ It is a funny joke because the squirrel gets dead.”
Laughter heals all wounds.

Edit: Yes yes, this all happened in the morning (Thanks, Thanh!).


  1. Not to be a grammar nazi or anything, but I think you messed up your AMs and PMs... :P

    and I'm getting poked right now and bullied into running so I'll actually read past the 10:58 PM fail later =)

  2. and...we're going waiting for Steffen to pick up his "trousers" and luggage first, nvm.

    Also, I think everybody in your house is pretty much on crack, and this about proves it.

  3. not exactly how i recall the events, but close enough.
    i think you also omitted lots of shouting. and volunteering to drive like a grandma.

  4. I dispute this version of the facts; I clearly recall sleeping until after noon that day. I spent the rest of the day staring balefully at the router and wishing for internets.

  5. Also, I totally did not eject. I assumed the shotgun-seat's sacred role of protecting the driver. Normally, this is done by flipping off asshole drivers, but in this case I spent most of my time providing Joe with warnings like "you're taking this exit at 50mph . . ." or "see that car? The one with the brake lights on? Right in front of us? Yeah, you should not hit him."

  6. Hi> I couldnt be bothered to read your blog so i decided to put a rubbish comment on it. Yeah. This is how i pass the time